Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
The cashier just checked me out.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.