As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.