where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
How to woo a woman
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Help Wanted
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*