If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
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Geez man, take it easy.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Happy thanksgiving
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.