customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)