“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
me hitting on a model
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!