Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Running from your problems is cardio .
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
is this a threat
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..