My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
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I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I can’t deal with men any longer
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]