What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
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2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
who wants to go expliring
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.