Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
You Might Also Like
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.