Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!