Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?