I love the National Park Service.
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I told my vodka about you.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.