Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.