aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.