Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
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Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.