Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.