Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I just ran a .003048K
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy