I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
waiting for halloween be like:
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?