jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
New mindset, who dis?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.