You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You Might Also Like
The “baby” on the left….
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Received some very disappointing news today
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.