Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Jurassic park gets weird
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.