[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?