Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Monday
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
nice challenge
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.