ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now