Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
this is how life feels
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.