if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”