Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
How actors in movies eat their food
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’