Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.