My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol