The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: it鈥檚 cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can鈥檛 see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I鈥檒l fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here鈥檚 a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I鈥檓 gonna need you to hunch over.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan鈥檚 even lazier
cousin.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Best Halloween yard decorations 馃槀
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Na mad people full this app… 馃槀馃槀馃槀
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Pretty sure my day can鈥檛 get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo