Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
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[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Favourite diary entry ever
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire