a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.