What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”