If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I’m sorry…what?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault