HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no