Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.