Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony