Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close