[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced