More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
this will hang in the louvre one day
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song