Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
You Might Also Like
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them