I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
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Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Namaste
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
awkward
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer