I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
😬
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?