All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are