God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
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Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I’d … I’d rather not.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending