Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.