I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”