[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
You Might Also Like
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.