Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?